My mornings used to look like this: wake up, put running shoes on, run six miles. It was so ritualistic, sometimes I felt like I would wake up around mile two. Even in the winter, I would schlep myself into the car and log in my miles before the sun came up on the treadmill. In hindsight, I now know this was my way of self-medicating, the endorphins I needed to keep depression at bay, and the release I needed to control my impulsivity from ADHD. I felt better when my legs ached.
It can be difficult to separate my running habits from when my eating disorder was at its height. I started running as a way to control what I put in my body. I never missed a run; in fact, I used to run around the track in college after tailgating, while intoxicated, to work off the calories I drank. It wasn’t healthy.
But then, running became a way to build confidence that my body knew what it needed, that I didn’t need to control everything I put into it. I learned I could trust my body to tell me what it needed. I could listen to my stomach growl, then eat. I could feel anxious, and lace up my running shoes. In a way, running was the healthy habit that stayed with me as I healed my relationship with my body.
And then, I fell in love. Real love.
Something about meeting Joe allowed me to feel comfortable enough with myself to actually let go and be vulnerable. Running gave me the confidence to trust my body. That confidence gave me the ability to let go of controlling the narrative in other areas in my life, specifically in relationships.
And it wasn’t one-sided. Joe ran and biked the same way I did—ritualistically. And with intensity.
Our hobbies were replaced with long nights across the tables of our favorite restaurants, talking and learning about each other. We nursed our hangovers in bed watching our favorite movies and introducing each other to the ones we couldn’t BELIEVE they never saw as a kid.
Somewhere along the way, Joe and I let running become something of the past. I can’t speak for him, but my running habit wasn’t something that I held lightly enough to bring with me into the new relationship. It felt like something I couldn’t do with him; it felt like too much baggage. I found it hard to take time away for myself. I didn’t want to leave the comfort of being fully seen by someone I loved.
And then we had kids, which became the noblest excuse to NOT lace up my shoes. I felt the familiar nudging of my eating disorder whisper in my ear saying, “See? It happened. You let yourself go.”
And that’s where I’ve been. Circling the drain of shame, letting that voice have space in my head. And once you allow that voice to have an audience, it gets stronger.
The good thing about getting older is that you have the benefit of hindsight. I remember what it felt like to have my running schedule and food diary run my life, and there was NO WAY I was going back to that way of living.
I’ve been thinking about how to get back into running in a healthy way. In a way that isn’t obsessive but rather a habit that is about filling up my tank and making sure I can be clearheaded and strong for my family and business. Running to be more of who I am, not less of who I feared I was.
But there was a glimmer of truth in the return of this voice. I know in my heart of hearts that I feel better when I’m in motion. I have dreams I’m dancing, or running, and I feel happy and free. The call to make room for what fills me up is here. And denying myself what my body is calling for is just as repressive as not eating when you’re starving.
So I’ve been thinking about how to get back into running in a healthy way. In a way that isn’t obsessive but rather a habit that is about filling up my tank and making sure I can be clearheaded and strong for my family and business. Running to be more of who I am, not less of who I feared I was.
Running is as much about mental training as it is physical. So I started thinking about ways I could make it easier for my brain to just…get out there and get started. If I wasn’t running to lose weight, or hit a goal, what was the big deal? It’s a lot easier said than done, but here are some of my tips for getting out of your head and hitting the pavement, for your health and without all the emotional baggage. (And it’s worth noting that these tips can apply to any hobby or endeavor you may be looking to pick up again, running or otherwise.)
1. Accept your current state.
For a while after you start running again, you’re not going to want to do it, and that’s okay. Do your best to accept that the process might not feel very comfortable at first, and commit to doing it anyway.
2. Remove the shame.
Stop thinking thoughts like, Why haven’t I done this for ___ years? What does that mean about who I am as a person? That mindset won’t serve you as you begin to bring running back into your schedule. Remove the shame and just start.
3. Adjust your expectations.
When you start running again, you may find yourself setting parameters, thinking, I’m going to run this many miles and it’s going to take this long. The expectations of running far and fast can often end up keeping people from running at all. Often, when we set unrealistic expectations of how we think something should go, we start to procrastinate because we’re afraid we won’t do it “perfectly,” and that ultimately leads to disappointment.
Running means a lot of different things to different people—it can mean running one minute or fifteen minutes; one block or one mile. Adjust your framework and the personal expectations you have for yourself.
Running means a lot of different things to different people—it can mean running one minute or fifteen minutes; one block or one mile. Adjust your framework and the personal expectations you have for yourself.
4. Take away the victim mentality.
Get rid of the drama. We very easily give up our own agency based on things we can control. Stop thinking defeating thoughts about why you “can’t” go for a run. A few of mine include:
– My feet hurt.
– I’ll never be able to figure out how to do this again.
– It’s raining and I don’t want to.
We create a lot of drama out of minor inconveniences. Make it a simple event, do it, and move on.
5. Treat it like it’s an appointment on your calendar.
The time we set aside for ourselves is often the first we give away. Add running to your calendar like you would any other appointment, and stick to it.
6. Reduce friction.
Make it easy to show up for yourself. Make it easy to grab your clothes and shoes and get outside, no thinking required. Set your clothes next to your bed so you can put them on right after you wake up; put your running shoes right by the door.
Relatedly, ask yourself why this feels so difficult. Maybe you stayed up late last night or you’re stressed about work. If you can remove the deeper obstacles, it will be easier to get out the door in the morning.
7. Pick the right gear.
Running clothing doesn’t need to be expensive to work well, but make sure you have shoes and clothes that are comfortable and that you actually enjoy wearing. It can help make the entire process more pleasant.
8. Commit to a bigger goal or program.
If you’re someone who needs a bigger goal to keep yourself motivated, committing to a program like Couch to 5K or a particular upcoming race can make it so much easier to track your progress and stay committed, because someone will be guiding you through the process. Our overall goals for running can seem nebulous and kind of intangible—having something to check off that day will help keep you moving forward.
9. Remember your “why.”
For me, my ultimate “why” in starting to run again is that I want to feel better, and I keep that at the front of my mind every time I try to talk myself out of it. When it becomes more about serving yourself and your basic needs than anything else, it can become a habit that sticks.
For me, my ultimate “why” in starting to run again is that I want to feel better. . . . When it becomes more about serving yourself and your basic needs than anything else, it can become a habit that sticks.
When we focus on breaking our goals down into small, manageable action items, it’s easier to get started. But we can’t show up to do even the smallest bit of work without first making the commitment to show up for ourselves, every day or every week. Be brave enough to do it. Be brave enough to give yourself the gift of endorphins flowing through your body.
It takes time to get over your hurdles and get into a new habit. Continually remind yourself of your why and keep going. You’ve got this.
Kate is currently learning to play the Ukulele, much to the despair of her husband, kids, and dogs. Follow her on Instagram at @witanddelight_.
